How to kiss.
by Chriss Corkscrew
Summary: Rimmer has a hot date. Can Lister help him out? (mild slash)


Title: How to kiss

Title:How to kiss.

Author:Chriss Corkscrew

Copyright:2001-06-16

Disclaimer: Don't own them – wouldn't want to (I mean, where would I put them for starters?).

Rimmer hummed a marching song as he peered into the mirror to straighten his wiry hair.

Lister, looking curiously in his direction, couldn't take the suspense any longer."Alright you smegger.What's up?You goin' on the razz without me or what?"

Rimmer brayed, nostrils flaring – indicating to one and all that they had been plucked into submission during Rimmer's overly zealous ablutions and a definite sign that something was up."If you must know Listy", he pulled his lapels into line and posed for the mirror, "I've got a date tonight".

"You what?"Lister smirked, "I didn't know they let the circus come to Floor 13".

"It just so happens that Ms Jacqueline Summers is a very attractive woman".

"What's she in for?" he demanded, "Acts of random insanity?Psychotic tendencies?Will they have to get her arms out of the sleeves of her white jacket before you can slow dance?"

"She's a guard, actually", Rimmer scowled at Lister's amused reflection in the glass.

"Oh.That'll be all three then will it?"

Rimmer picked up his mint breath-freshener and squirted it furiously, determined not to let Lister get to him.It hit him in his eye and as he pressed his left hand to his face and bit his right fist to scream into, he heard the unmistakable sound of Lister sniggering into his beer."I knew you'd find someway to spoil this for me.Damn you to Hades!"

"Sorry man.I'll try to be more supportive".Lister pulled his face into a serious expression."I'm sure it'll be great.You . . . her . . . a set of handcuffs".

"You are so immature".

"Yeah, well I might be immature but at least I know my way around a woman".

"So do I".

"Oh yes, with your grand total of one and she had a concussion".

"She did not have a concussion and let me tell you, miladdo, it was way more than one . . .what am I doing?"Rimmer threw up his hands in disbelief."I'm letting a man who finds topless boxing romantic get to me about women".

"All's I'm saying is that I've been around the block a few times.And in most of the houses too.The trick is¾", he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "¾ to get the first kiss just right", and he smacked his fingers to his lips like a chef describing a particularly succulent dish, grinning inanely at the room.

"Yes well, I don't need your advice thank you very much".Rimmer smoothed the front of his uniform and sat down at the table.Picking up his book on Astro-navigation he studied a page intensively, unaware that the book was upside-down as he smouldered at Lister's remarks.The silence was deadly."So . . . Lister.It's ridiculous.As if I don't know about kisses.The kissing.The first kissing.It's so simple . . .".

Lister grinned and rubbed his hands together, "Aha!You want me to tell you the trick don't you?"

After a nanoseconds thought, Rimmer pushed the chair back violently and darted over to Lister, his hands together, pleading."I'll clean the toilet for a month, give you my revision lamp, my dividers, God, I'll knee Baxter in the balls if you want.Just tell me how to get this right".

Lister smirked."You'll owe me one big time".

"Anything.Just tell me".

Sitting up, Lister jumped down off the top bunk.Approaching Rimmer, he was amused to see him back away."This isn't a demonstration you know" he mocked lazily.

"Right", Rimmer cleared his throat,"I'm just not very good at this romantic stuff.Not that I haven't had loads of girlfriends and sex and everything", he amended quickly.

"Right".Lister was standing right in front of him, about a body-width away."Well Rimmer, it's all in the eyes".

"The eyes, right.I see".Rimmer mumbled nervously.

"Yeah, well you'd be hard-pressed not to – with your eyes I mean".

"Look if you're not going to be serious.I knew this was a mistake", Rimmer made to turn away and Lister stopped him, pushing his face back to centre.

"Look at me", he demanded, "I mean it man.If you don't want to get anywhere, fine . . .".

Rimmer took a deep breath and swallowed hard.He locked his eyes on Lister's."Like this?"

"That's it.But put some emotion into it.Look at me like you love me.Look at me like you want me".Rimmer's eyes softened as he tried to relax into the gaze.

"That's it".For the first time Lister noticed that Rimmer's eyes, far from being mud-brown were a deep hazel.Contrary to the findings of all Jupiter Mining Core standardized testing they brimmed with intelligence, with depth of character.An involuntary shiver ran down Lister's spine."Er . . .", he continued, "That's pretty good.Now – lick your lips".

Rimmer's pink tongue snaked out and wiped over his lips.

"No.Not like that".Lister demonstrated."Really massage them.Concentrate your lust in them".Watching Lister's lips swell slightly and go a deeper pink than usual at the probing of his dark tongue, Rimmer couldn't help but be transfixed.They looked welcoming, inviting.They wanted him to feel them on his skin, to kiss them."Rimmer?"

"Ah, right", shaking out of his reverie he nodded his head, "Lick my lips.Gotcha.No problemo".He slavishly worked his lips like Lister had done, with increasing enthusiasm, "Like that?"Lister smiled.

"Kinda, big man.Just make it natural"._Hang on_, he smiled manically to cover the confusion._Big man?_Was he even joking?

"What now Listy", Rimmer was getting into this.At this rate he might make it with a woman.Twice in one lifetime – he was turning into one hell of a ladies man.

"Er", Lister thought back to the last time he kissed, really kissed, a woman, "You give her a little smile".As usual Rimmer overcompensated, looking like a schmuck at a job interview."No, like you're shy, man".He tried again, a little smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth, "That's it".Smiling back dopily, Lister realised with horror that there was a distinct tugging in his underpants."Er", what could he do?Rimmer would never let him live it down."Move closer, now!" he ordered.Lister moved right up to Rimmer before he could protest, so close now he could smell the soap, almost sweating in his desperation not to be caught like this, his breath catching in his throat.

"Now?"Rimmer's voice was so soft, his eyes wide and full of fear, almost trembling at the shared body warmth.

"Then", Lister whispered back, "You hold her whole face in your gaze", he took a rushed inventory of Rimmer's flushed face in a breathless moment."Like she is the only woman in the world and then . . .".

"Then", Rimmer breathed back.

"You go for it", Lister closed his eyes, pulled by something primal.Rimmer, responding to a magnetism he had never felt before, leant forward and with a great swell of love, or was it lust? their lips met, folded into each other.Definite and deep and warm as if this was as natural as breathing in and out.

The kiss went for a long moment.Forever seemed to have passed before they parted and . . . looking at each other with a new kind of tenderness, panting heavy, each realised that he had a throbbing erection.For Rimmer?For Lister?How?

"So", Rimmer was the first to speak, a dry huskiness to his unsteady voice.

"So", Lister's sardonic voice challenged Rimmer,"Now what, Smeghead?"


End file.
